Friday, September 26, 2014

I'm a dreamer

As far back as I can remember, I have always had very vivid dreams.  Sometimes I can even remember multiple dreams that I had during the night.  The dreams that I enjoy the most are the ones when my dad shows up.  Since his death in January 2013 he has appeared in my dreams multiple times.  When he shows up its like my regular dream gets put on hold and all my focus goes to him.  Last night was no exception.  I was having a dream where I was walking through a partially constructed home.  I turned a corner and walked almost directly into my father.  I hugged him and told him I loved him.  In a past dream he had actually gotten on to me for the way I acted when I saw him.  He had told me that I had to stop crying and holding on to him every time he appeared in my dreams.  So this time there was no crying but I couldn't help but hug him really tight.  He looked good.  He looked like the daddy I remembered before the cancer. 

He walked around a table and stood across from me.  We talked for a while. 
I asked him "What do you do all day?'
To which he replied in his typical Roger Allen style "stuff".
"What kind of stuff?" I looked at him as he just shrugged his shoulders and then replied "Just stuff."
He thought for a moment and then said "I gave up wifing."  (pronounced Wife+ing)
"Wifing?"  I asked
"Yeah, I don't have anyone else to take care of." 
His words sounded kind of sad.  Almost lonely.  And as if he could read my thoughts he continued with "I don't need to be around others.  It's different here.  It's as if I don't care. No, that's not the right word.  It's as if everything is less."
Somehow I understood what he meant.  "You don't have feelings or emotions in the afterlife?"
"Yes, well no.  I still have them they are just ..."  He was searching for the right word. "Diffused."
We could hear footsteps coming near us.  We both knew they belonged to my mother.  My father looked at me and said "I should go."
"No daddy wait.  Momma hasn't seen you in her dreams.  Just say hello to her."  I begged him.
He sighed and stopped walking toward the back door and came and stood next to me.  I grabbed his had and walked toward the sound of my mothers footsteps.  She saw me come around the corner and I said to her "Mom, guess who is here to say hello to you?"  Then daddy walked around the corner and she saw him.  She just stood there, frozen.  Not really knowing what to say.  "Momma, it's really him.  You can ask him anything." 
"Roger?!"  She said as she gazed upon him.  They just looked at each other and I could sense that they had a lot to talk about.  I wanted to leave them so they could have some privacy but I didn't want to go.
He looked at me and smiled "Yes Chantele"
"How come mommas never seen you before?"
He squeezed my hand a bit then said "We choose one person to connect with.  I chose you."  Then he turned to go talk to my mom and I woke up.

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